What kind of parent I want to be

Today, I learned that a friend of mine's daughter ran away. All I could think was if that was Gabbie I would whip her from one end of town to the other, but the more I thought about it I came to the conclusion that I never want anything to get so bad that she or my son would want to leave.

So, I want to make sure that we (my kids and myself) have an open line of communication, but how much is too much.

When asked about sex would I tell them? Yes, I think I would. I think they have a right to be okay with their sexuality, but I also want them to know that it isn't okay for them to have sex unless married. I know you guys are probably thinking why you did it, but the truth of the matter is that I was a virgin until I got married. Yes, I had sex out of wedlock once divorced, but that was a time in my life when I didn't care about myself or who I was that was then.

What if my son or daughter came home and told me they were pregnant? If my son ever comes home to tell me that he has a girl pregnant he better have a good job because he will do right by his child. If my daughter comes home and tells me she is pregnant I think (notice the word think) I would want to kill her, but what I will have to do is explain to her her options in God's eyes. I would have to tell her first that I love her and second we would work together at raising her child if she chose not to give it up for adoption. The child in either case wouldn't want for love that is for sure.

I would also like for my children to talk to me about drugs. I know that is probably asking alot of them, but in today's day and age I would rather them come to me instead of a friend. I would have to tell them about their Uncle and use him as an example as to why they shouldn't. I know some kids experiment and I know peer pressure is an awesome power, but God's word is the most powerful.

You are probably reading this thinking "Yeah, right kids will be kids". A child learns from example. If I set a good one will they learn from me? I don't want to hide the facts from them ever. I mean we are all human and make mistakes and God knows I have made my fair share of them, but what if I open the line of communication at a young age with them? What if I don't hide anything from them? Will it work? Only time will tell I suppose.

Life in the Sticks

Well, today was interesting.

Today we left here at 10 am and we are just getting back as I write this. The kids were in total awe of the animals and of Jacob.

Daunte' had a ball and Gabbie is smitten of course. It was funny watching her eyes light up at each new exhibit and listening to Daunte' try to copy the noises.

Jacob was wonderful with them. Daunte' was riding on his shoulders a good portion of the time, so I know he's going to be sore tomorrow. My two angels acted just like that too, surprising me greatly only on the car ride back did Gabbie get a little fussy. Of course, nothing a little singing couldn't handle. She is crashed out right now and I am not too far behind as soon as I get a shower.

My favorite part had to be the ride. The hills and the trees no wonder I wanted to be in the country. I am actually beginning to hate going to big towns now. I would rather spend my days sitting on the porch watching the kids play in the grass. Weird that me a city girl would love something so much especially in a farming town.

I am learning how to do lots of things I wouldn't of thought about doing living in the city. Such as canning, making jellies, making fresh bread, making homemade ice cream and even buying a cow and a pig to get butchered to my liking. I think I am even going to go pick some strawberries this weekend to start a batch of jam.

I guess in a way being in the country has brought alot out in me. A big change in some ways. I use to be the type of person that couldn't stop, but here I find it hard to ignore the leaves growing back on the trees or the flowers in bloom. I don't even mind living on a dirt road away from the goings on of the city. I am by no means saying things don't happen here like a kid running away or drugs in schools, but what I am saying is that I appreciate life a lot more than I used too.

Reflections

Somedays I look back on my life and wonder what exactly it is I was suppose to do with it. Like why did I wait so late in life to go to college? Only one answer is apparent to me. The answer is I was the one who wanted the picture perfect family, so I married young. God, threw me a curve ball early on in life when my son, Christopher, died in my arms. That day a piece of me died with him. It's hard to explain, but having a family and a child was all I ever remember wanting when I was a little girl.

Sometimes I ask myself what if (I didn't do this) how would my life be different. The truth of the matter is I can't imagine it another way. It is because of the things I went through in my 29 years that I am who I am today. I consider myself strong willed, goal-oriented, and a loving mother.

Sometimes I reflect on the things my parents would tell me. Like the fact that I wouldn't amount to anything. They were wrong. I amounted to alot. I am a good mother very protective of my kids and after years of waiting I went to college. Shortly I will have a double associates degree one in programming and one in networking. After that I have one more goal to accomplish my Microsoft certification. Life is precious to me and so are my kids. I remind myself daily that in 10 years or so they will look back and think about what their mom did to give them a better life and appreciate what I have been doing even more.

The only thing I am certain about today is that my kids are my world. I eat, I drink, I live, and I breathe them; as should most parents. I never put them to bed without telling them I love you. I still get up at night to make sure they are breathing. Some nights I let them sleep with me just to cuddle them like they are newborns.

My son Daunte' will be 5 June the eighth my how the time has passed. I still remember taking him for his very first picture in a blue overall baseball outfit with a matching hat. When he crawled the first time. I even remember the first time he peed on me. How times have changed. Daunte' now chases Gabbie all over the house and tells her no for the same things I use to tell him no for.

That boy has grown so much in the last year it is ridiculous. I am not talking about a physical growing I am talking about his mentality. He has brought me water while I was praising the porcelain God after chemo. He has learned how to work the microwave when mommy couldn't move because she was too exhausted thanks to medicine. He helped me so much while I was sick.

I made alot of promises to that small child while I was sick and now I am starting to thank him for what he did for me. I try really hard to get him everything he asks for as long as it is within reason. Every now and then I tell him no and explain to him why. He gives an ok and the puppy eyes and I always say maybe next time. He is old in mind already and I regret that, but one day I will tell him just what he did for me while I was sick. Why I worked so hard to give him the life and things I know he wants and deserves.

In my heart I know that he loves me and that he loves his sister, but how is it you tell a 4 year old thank you for taking care of mommy when she should of been taking care of you? The only logical answer I can come up with is by finishing college. I want my son to admire me. I want him to know that I fought so hard for him, because I truely believe that if it wasn't for him and Gabbie I would of rolled over and gave up on life. I actually thought about at times, but as soon as I thought it he was in my face giving me a hug or kiss.

I have learned alot from my son in the past year. I just hope he will learn as much from me in the years to come.

An awakening

I feel betrayed. Tonight I find out that someone who shall remain nameless (RK's brother) told on me. I guess it's not a bad kind of betrayal, but still. I find it rather amusing that it was brought up the way it was. (You have to love arguing with RK at times.)

I'll never forget the night I made an inquiry about God to RK's little brother (only by years that is). It was in a Burger King parking lot both of us just got off and sat talking about various things and somehow we got on the topic of God.

You see I came from a very, very, very formal Roman Catholic family. I truly never understood Catholicism even when being raised in it. I never understood memory of prayer and always thought that a prayer should come from your heart.

So, I made an inquiry into his Christianity. What I seen in that child's eyes was pure love pure unadulterated love. He explained to me how forgiving and loving God truely is. He quoted verses I hadn't heard since I was all of 16. His eyes and voice gave off the most loving warmth I had ever witnessed before in my life.

I went home that night and dug around trying to find anything I could to read about what he told me. Soon after I started going to church, but didn't feel right entering a church and then going home while living in sin. So after a few times I didn't return to church I chose a lifestyle of lust over a loving God.

Needless to say I lived my life according to my rules for a few years after. Even after taking Jesus into my heart. Yet four months ago I found that same warmth in another young man's eyes. I hesitated immensely I just knew that God wouldn't have me and even punished myself accordingly so I thought. Soon I realized the only ones being punished were my kids. I was not the woman I wanted to be or the mother I wanted to be.

The realization came during a Sunday church service about the Shield of Faith. As my pastor's wife stood beside him beckoning to those who didn't have Jesus in their heart. I felt as if she was talking directly to me. I looked at my daughter with tears in my eyes and stepped out into the isle and made the shortest walk of my life. A part of me was left behind that Sunday but a new part of me was born. I still attend that church. I am more vigiliant in my search of faith than I have ever been. It's almost like being thristy and not being able to quench that thirst.

So so very much has changed I am trying alot harder to please everyone thus the Re: Sorrow post. That was for a blackmailing family member that couldn't stand the thought of RK talking about Gabbie. Someone that is not suppose to conditionalize their love for their children. You did. Sorry, I won't tear him apart afterall HE is Daunte' and Gabbie's father a true father. A father that loves unconditionally. He and I may not be together, but he is a true father. Not to be disrespectful, but he has qualities you will never even fatham. Qualities that I hope he will teach his children, my children.

I leave you with these words: Unconditional Love

A treasure to be cherished,
A gift from God above;
Is the beauty of a friendship,
Touched by unconditional love.
A love that asks no questions,
Believes in all the best;
Never doubting, ever trusting,
Withstanding any test.
A love that weathers any storm,
And yet that love still stands;
Through the very darkest hour,
It still reaches out a hand.
There in that hand the sweetest gift,
That you can give a friend;
A heart that cares, a love that shares,
That will be there till the end.
A treasure to be cherished,
A gift from God above;say what I share with you my friend,
An unconditional love.
Allison Chambers Coxes

RE: Sorrow

"April 26the, 2005SorrowPosted in: RACK — RazorsKiss @ 8:51 am

In my life, I have experienced sorrow. Not the sort of sorrow you experience when someone dies. The kind of sorrow you experience when you know someone is alive - and you cannot see them, love them, or be with them. The type of sorrow a father experiences when he is separated from his children. I wrote a bit about it on June 21st of last year - and I transferred it to this new blog, when I moved. I got to re-experience a bit of that just this morning. I got a letter today. It said two things: Less importantly, it said that my tax return was intercepted by the government, to pay child support. Which is fine - I haven't been able to find my daughter, or her mother in a couple years TO pay child support. The second thing was more important. "

Let's tell the truth here.

1) You didn't pay support for two reasons dear. One you weren't working and I was supporting you.

2) You said she was in violation of your divorce agreement by not letting you talk/see your daughter. You claim you talked to a judge but in order for a judge to wave support a claim must be filed. Which you never did.

3) Part of that money is also spousal support.

Fact, you are behind more than ten thousand dollars in support so the government stepped in.

"It said what county, and what state she was in. The closest I've felt, or been, to talking to her, and seeing her in 3 years. She was three years old the last time I saw her. 4, the last time I talked to her. Now she's 6. I called the child support agency, like an idiot, to see if I could find out where she was. Shunted back and forth, and around through the bureaucracy, I felt like an ax murderer, or a pedophile - because I wanted to know where my daughter was. They treated me like one for even asking."

That is because she had actually accused you of being being a pedophile and abusive. You have two accusations of pedophilia and 5 of domestic abuse in Arizona and one domestic abuse charge in Mississippi which may I add you were convicted of.

"Oh, I want it so much. It's the thing that kept me from becoming a complete wreck, for oh, so long - and brought me within a hairsbreadth of a total breakdown. I love that little girl. The song "Front Porch Lockian In" - it breaks me up every time I hear it.There's a carrot top who can barely walkWith a sippy cup of milkA li'l blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong, 'cause she likes to dress herself My youngest is the child of a red-headed mother - and you can see the red in her hair, too - and she just started walking a bit ago. My oldest, as I already said, is a blue-eyed blonde.I'm volcanically pissed at bureaucracy, justified, or not - and I just want to talk to her. I got off the phone with the last social worker - and just sank down to the front porch concrete, sobbing. All I could think of was "I love you, God - but please… give me back my little girl". I just repeated it over and over. It's really funny how thoroughly you can block something in your mind - and almost forget. Except when you happen to pick the picture of her up, and you feel like you just burned your hand. Or you actually look at the two portraits you still have of her at 6 months old - the only ones you have left. She got the rest. My other little girl is not allowed to visit me, as we had agreed earlier - because I'm getting married later this year. And her mother decided she doesn't want "her" daughter around other women - for the two whole weeks she'd be here. "Her" daughter might start calling someone else "mommy". That hurts. It still hurts - enormously. It was one reason I haven't posted much lately. I don't write well when I'm all unglued, emotionally - and I have been."

She is not allowed to visit for several reasons.

1) You are not trustworthy. I will never trust you until you earn that trust back. You lied to me, you lied to her, and you lied to Daunte.

2) You hid our relationship from everyone even your family.

3) You lied to come here to see your daughter then you slept with me every night in the process so you got your cake and ate it too so to speak. Yes, partially my fault and I am dealing with my side of things.

4) You have rules to abide by and you will follow them.

5) Contact my lawyer."It also reminds me what I have to be unutterably grateful for. I thank God every day for the wonderful gift he's given me in Bethany. She is unbelievably understanding, and indescribably loving. I have her to thank for dragging me back into the land of the joyful. She and her two lovely children. I wasn't going to go down there today… I had stuff I wanted to do. I am anyway, though. I came to see her when she had a bad day, a bit ago. My turn, I suppose."

So, you have a new family now; even if it meant 2 weeks after you left this family. Take care of them the way you didn't take care of us.

A Strange Thing, A rare Thing

I knew it would happen eventually. I just didn't think I would have the nerve to say yes or actually do it. I have a date. Ok, I know you are all thinking, this chick is nuts, but this is a big step for me.

I went to a metting at church today and the pastors son asked me to lunch. At first, I tried to think of a reason I couldn't, but I couldn't find one. Then I tried to think of a reason I shouldn't, but I couldn't.

He is highly intelligent, nice on the eyes, and he happens to like the kids especially the baby. What's weird is that I would of never guessed I would accept and invitation to lunch especailly not with him.

Ok, I know that sounds biased. Really it's not you see I had made up my mind that I would live a hermits life. You know work and go home with the kids. I have even taken a vow of celibacy. Ok I know that sounds retarded, but it isn't. I am tired of meaningless relationships sex and no love. I am ready for a step in the right direction. A relationship built on and around God. It's time for me and my kids to move forward instead of backwards.

Oh what a difference a healthy church makes. I wouldn't of thought I would live, eat, and drink the word of God the way I have been doing as of late. Sounds corny to some, but recently I have been reading about the armor of God and am actually learning to use the Shield of Faith alot.

I just can't understand why I feel the way I do and I guess I can't really explain it either. I feel as if a new world has come to light. I guess in a way it has. Yet I grieve the loss of my old self, why? It wasn't the type of life I am proud of, but I am proud now. I am proud of the transformation I have made within myself and my kids. But, I still grieve and when I went to www.bible.com what appeared in the sidebars an article titled WHAT DOES GOD'S WORD SAY... ABOUT GRIEF?. The first verse I read gave me a nice calming feeling.

So I will live you with those words: Proverbs 15:13-1413 A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken. 14 The mind of him who has understanding, seeks knowledge, inquires after and craves it, but the mouths of (self-confident) fools feed on folly.

Being A Single Mother

What it takes to be a single mother of two...patience, love, understanding, caring, and a hard worker.

Sometimes you want to pull your hair out listening to the bickering and arguing or just the screaming for someone who is no longer there. You know like when they both want the same toy and one ends up with a nice lump on the top of his head because his 16 month old sister figured out that if she hits him with another toy he will relinquish the one she really wants. Or when the 16 month screams for her "Dada" who will not be coming or calling anytime soon. Patience is the key to times like these.

Love has many meanings in today's society but when a child looks at you batting her eyelashes that look so much like her father's you can't help but pick her up and hold her tight. Or the time it's to quiet in the playroom and you peek in and see them hugging each other tight. It made my heart warm to witness that sight.

Understanding when he wants just a few more minutes of television so he can finish watching his new Veggie Tales tape. Or getting woke up in the middle of the night because the thunder woke him and he wants to sleep in your bed tonight.

Caring is a given the moment you hear the ear-piercing wail when they take their first breath of air.

Hard-working by be a mother working one job then going to another. A few hours of sleep and the day starts again with a bath, a kiss, and a hug here we go again.

A day off you say, what's that? I hear of these things. But, a true mother has no time for these.

Between two jobs, schooling, two kids to tend to, and maybe two hours of sleep a daily reminder of a hug and a kiss will indeed knock her off her feet.

My kids reminded me this morning that their mommy or ma depending on which one you ask will always be loved for what she does and is doing.

Every now and then I get a little protest from the oldest but he knows that mommy can get a better job in another year when I finish school. My daughter leaves me with a hug and greats me with the same everyday thus reassuring me I am doing the right thing.